March 15, 2011

March 15, 2011

In My Opinion: Takers

Though the recent demise of Blockbuster (I say "demise," you say "flameout") speaks volumes about such important issues as the effect of the internet on modern business models, I’m more concerned about how it affects my weekly movie night. Redbox is great, but its selection of old(er than six months) movies is pretty limited. Netflix’s subscription fee annoys me. Honestly, without the public library and a good supply of Redbox rental codes, I’d be left to pirate films with Dutch subtitles. (Kidding.) (Totally not.) Anyway, the end result is that I watch a lot more “new releases” than I might otherwise. The problem is that I see the best of the “new releases” in the theater. By the time we’re selecting the Redbox option, I’m left with sloppy seconds.

Like Takers.

Prima facie (OH YES I KNOW LATIN), this would seem like an excellent film. Heist movie, which I love. Ensemble cast, several of whom are recognizable, and only one for domestic violence. Plus a “cops v. robbers” angle, which falls after only “cops v. cops” and “cops v. journalists” on my list of favorite movie angles involving law enforcement.

Can’t lose, right? Wrong.

Problem the first: None of the characters were memorable. I knew who the actors were. I did not know who the characters were. Even now, I could not provide a single character name from this movie. I have read the Wikipedia, and none of it is ringing a bell.

Problem the second: Too many people die. The best formula for heist movie deaths: All the bad guys die except one, and all the good guys survive except one. The lone bad survivor sets up the sequel. The lone good death sacrifices himself for the good of the crew. Bonus points if he was already terminally ill and/or facing the death sentence. Don’t look at me, this is the math of movie heists. Takes, unfortunately, definitely kills off way more people and probably kills off even more. It’s like crime doesn’t pay for anybody, and I think we all know that’s not true.

Problem the third: The film is (I think) set in LA. The best heist films are set either in Las Vegas New York, or Europe, so as to allow for the robbery of a casino, a super historical artifact, or a super historical artifact in a casino.

I should’ve just sifted through the rubble of my local Blockbuster to get Casino.

0 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke: