April 26, 2011

April 26, 2011

Jean Grey Had It Right

Self-control is a virtue I greatly admire yet totally lack. Today’s technology is not helping me out, either. You can now check up on your high school friends, shop for edible arrangements, and obsessively research the upcoming royal wedding, all without leaving your couch.

NOT THAT I HAVE DONE ANY OF THESE THINGS.

So, anyway, while considering things to blog about, I am reminded of a recent question in Date Lab that made TheBoy and I simultaneously laugh and cringe.

[Note: Date Lab is a weekly blind date column that runs in the Washington Post magazine. People complete surveys online and get matched up for one dinner compliments of WaPo. The resultant date is almost always horrifying. For those of us with a strong sense of schadenfreude, it is the best part of the paper.]

The question, which is regularly cited in DL, was thus: “Desired superpower.”

His answer: “To heal people.” Totally legit, if a bit wussy. (I admire that this guy would use his power for the greater good but also assume that he’s a Communist because COME ON.)

Her answer, which is completely and utterly real: “It’d be nice to have countries like Canada and Norway that have powerful (and legitimate) moral authority, but they have no actual power to implement their moral authority. Oy, I must be left with the U.S. then. It has the most moral authority out of all the superpowers (compared at least to China and Russia) and has the ability to make the world a better place.”

Perhaps you are making a WTF face right now. As you would if, for example, you asked your dining companion to pass the salt and he bit you instead. A response so completely non-sensical, one is left to wonder if the universe is having a laugh. This was me initial reaction, as well. I thought they printed her answer to another question or something.

Then I realized that this poor girl read the question as referring to countries. As in, which superpower country would you most desire. Now normally, I would feel bad for her, and even worse for the idiot WaPo editor who let this run.

But them I notice that the chick named Canada first. Then linked it to the phrase “legitimate moral authority.”

O RLY?

Look, I love Canadians. They’re like Wisconsin’s even whiter cousins. Clean, quiet, friendly. Keep to themselves. Ideal people to have living above you, really. I’m not asking Mexico to check my mail when I go out of town, if you know what I’m saying.

But a superpower? No. I believe they are technically ruled by the Queen, are they not?

So the point of all this is first, to encourage you to apply for Date Lab. You deserve a free meal more than almost all of these people, believe me.

Second, to tell you that “telekinesis” is a damn good superpower, as it both facilitates laziness and serves a defensive purpose. Attack me, and I will knock you unconscious with a can of Diet Coke. I will then proceed to drink the Diet Coke and laugh as your face turns funny colors.

Third, to remind the world at large that Canada is a lovely country of regular-sized power. Verdant, bilingual, and possessing the sort of social welfare Democrats can only dream of. I daresay that even the boldest Canadian would shy away from that super- prefix. It wouldn’t be polite.

0 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke: