September 27, 2011

September 27, 2011

Sight for Sore Eyes

For some of us, wearing glasses is a way of life. There are those who came to it as adults, and those who’ve been afflicted since childhood. Those who need corrective lenses all the time, and those who need them only for certain activities. Those who’ve left the brotherhood by slicing their eyeballs open with lasers or sticking shards of glass ON THEIR EYEBALLS.

Regardless, a great many people have at one time worn glasses. They will commiserate with me when I state that glasses make things difficult.

The logistics of sunglasses when you already wear glasses, for example. You have to switch, or you have to get those transitions lenses that result in 30 minutes of greyness, or you have to clip some sort of ancillary lenses to your main glasses.

Lying on the couch. Every single night, I try to lie on my side to watch three (or four) hours of tv. And every night the pillows push my glasses into my face and require me to either lie on my back, strain my neck, or mount the TV on my ceiling.

Anything involving the face, really. Have you just been accused by the wife of your married work boyfriend* and need to splash some water on your face to keep from throwing up? Good luck if you’re wearing glasses! Itchy eye? Watch out for those glasses.

Plus the whole issue of being ineligible to fly fighter jets. Stupid glasses.

If only the solution wasn’t a choice between LASERS and SHARDS OF GLASS, y’know?

* Note: Inspiration comes from an episode of BBC’s “The Hour” and not my real life. Your mileage may vary.

3 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke:

Oooh, you are bringing me back to the days before I shot lasers into my eyes...the days of not being able to read the alarm clock when you wake up in the middle of the night (''s red-fuzzy o'clock...'), the raw rub spots from the pads on the side of the nose, anything involving water sports or swimming ('I think Jennifer is that purple and flesh-toned blob over there...Which dressing room is mine...?')

Oh, man, I totally forgot about swimming. I haven't swum since I got glasses in 1994. Squinting behind goggles. Dang.

Having obtained glasses at the age of 3 (when the options were: coke-bottle-glass-in-blue and coke-bottle-glass-in-pink, and my parents chose, and guess where my lifelong (since 3) hatred of the color pink came from?) I have had about every glasses inconvenience and indignity one can imagine.

Yes, people have thought it was funny to hide my glasses. Yes, I have had to wake up a friend / call a roommate into the still-steamy-from-showering bathroom to find the glasses I could not. (After a while one develops a sixth sense for where one put the damn things, but sometimes the signals get crossed or they fall behind the nightstand, ya know?) Yes, I have tied my glasses onto my head.

I'm now curled up in the corner in the fetal position, which makes this awkward to type, and yes, created a deep indention on the side of my nose.

I had contacts during college to play soccer and such, but while I still wear them for sports, I find myself much preferring glasses. They may be inconvenient, but they don't make my eyes red and itchy and don't require sticking my less-than-sterile finger into my eye several times per day, and they don't, you said it, require LASERS and SHARDS OF GLASS, y'know?

Ha ha ha . . . all that to say I laughed a lot at this whole post. Well said.