January 30, 2012

January 30, 2012

Lukewarm Pockets Would Be Ideal

There are days when you feel like a grownup, and then there are days when you eat nothing but Hot Pockets.

Hot Pockets certainly aren’t the pinnacle of food evolution, because they take entirely too long to cool. I counteract this by splitting them open, thus increasing surface area. Then again, I’m no novice when it comes to Hot Pockets. (Note to self: New catchphrase?)

So when I read that some guy has invented a video game controller that doubles as a Hot Pocket holder, I switched from “grumpy” to “pleased” for several minutes in a row. Though I’m not a gamer, I’ve covered enough keyboards in grease to have learned that humans really need an extra hand. I can’t eat and type at the same time, unless I’m slurping soup with a straw, and really not even then.

You THINK you can do it, at first. “I will just type with one hand and eat with one hand, tra-la.” But if you’re like me, you eat with your dominant hand.* So you’re typing with a single, non-dominant hand. 80 wpm (your mileage may vary) goes to like 20, tops. Oh, you have a password that requires a Shift + combination? HAHAHAHAHA. You’re going to give yourself arthritis, all because you thought you could tweet while eating a pot pie. It’s like Icarus, except for the flying and the sun.

But I’m hoping that this invention will spur others, benefiting the non-gamers. I mean, I do very few things with my hands that wouldn’t benefit from the addition of eating.** Reading. Playing piano. Writing ransom notes. Photography. Corn shucking. And so on. If I didn’t have to stop for meals, well…that’s like one extra episode of Gossip Girl every! single! day!

What is technology for if not the creation of robots that will feed us and cater to our every whim?

* LEFTIES, BOOYAH.
** Get your mind out of the gutter. Honestly.

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