February 3, 2012

February 3, 2012

Bowled Over

I’ve been inundated with reminders this week that a rather important football game is scheduled for Sunday. Ever since the Packers so ignominiously fell out of contention, I’d been assuming the entire postseason would be called off. I mean, why even bother? Turns out, the Patriots and That Other Team have similarly supportive fan bases keen on seeing them play for the championship. Since I can’t get myself excited about the Patriots (Tom Brady is just too pretty for a man) or That Other Team, I’ll have to limit my participation to ingesting snack foods and critiquing the advertising. Luckily for me, eating and criticism are my fortes.

Back in the day, much of the game coincided with church (-1 for Central Time), so I’d have to watch ads from the first and second quarters the next day over the internet. And there’s just something pathetic about purposely determining to watch a commercial on a small screen. This year, my cheesesticks and I shall be watching live. And we shall demand to be entertained with at least five of the following:

- Hilarious talking animals
- Saucy talking babies
- A catchy tune extolling the delights of a food or beverage
- Robots
- Cars
- Robot cars
- Movie trailers for summer popcorn flicks
- Famous people doing stupid things
- Famous people doing glamorous things
- Classic footage recut to sell a modern-day product
- Sweeping aerial footage of the Grand Canyon
- Aliens
- Old people taking pratfalls

While there will certainly be a thought-provoking ad or two, perhaps for a charity or the late Steve Jobs, I want my Super Bowl entertainment generally humorous. Reminding me that children in Africa live on 17 cents a day is going to take the joy right out of the cheese platter I’m slowly eating my way through.

Who’ll be the big players this year? Pepsi? Geico? Doritos? Honda accidentally-on-purpose revealed that Matthew Broderick is sorta-kinda reprising his Ferris Bueller role for one commercial, so there’s “Classic footage recut to sell a modern-day product” checked off already. Throw in the McDonald’s singing fish and you have a trifecta.

For those of you who do watch the game for the football, please be nice to the rest of us. Don’t ask what we thought about the running game, or the defensive ends, or time of possession. Come Monday morning, we’ll want an antacid and a place to lie down.

0 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke: