May 20, 2012

May 20, 2012

The Same, and Different

Now that the warm season has hesitantly shown itself here in DC, I spent some time recently reorganizing my closet. True, part of this had nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with my OCD, but whatever.* The long and short of it (ha) is that I realized I have the same Land’s End sweater in eight different colors. If variety is the spice of life, this cannot be good. I’m like a movie character whose closet is filled, but with fifty of the outfit. Zoinks!

Or, to put a positive spin on it, minimizing variation maximizes efficiency. Right? RIGHT?

When you were a kid, and you imagined what The Future would be like, didn’t you envision uniforms? I did. Sort of like that one scene in Willy Wonka when the kid gets sucked into the TV. (It’s been a while. I’m hazy on the details.) All-white bodysuits and helmets, baby. You may think them sterile, but I say that if cleanliness is next to godliness, then sterility is between cleanliness and godliness.

Okay, that made more sense before I put it into words.

Yet here we are, in the effing 21st century, and we appear to be no closer to a planet-wide uniform policy. Or even a nation-wide one. Let’s fall into line, people. We’re never going to beat China if we’re dithering over cords vs. khakis.** Those hesitant for us to all start dressing alike are probably concerned about people’s feelings and freedom of expression. But since we’ve established that I hate people, these things are less of a concern for me.

In not-at-all-related news, I am preparing for my possible future appearance on Jeopardy! by reading a book of Greek and Roman mythology. Aside from the fact that not one but two civilizations took enough time to invent a god for literally every thing, let’s talk about how many interesting names have fallen out of use. If it weren’t for the solar system and the Harry Potter books, we’d know very little of mythology at all, I fear. My top three (so far):

Fortuna (goddess of luck)
Hypnos (god of sleep)
Morpheus (god of dreams)

They announced the most popular baby names recently, and it was, like, Jacob and Isabella for the umpteenth year in a row. Hey, reproducing people of the world: let’s show a little creativity! You’ve just pushed a person through the human body’s equivalent of a drinking straw. Make that thing unique!

Since we’ll soon all dress alike, your progeny can “express themselves” with a funky name. Win-win.

* Let’s arrange by size! Now by color! Now by size AND color!
** I never claimed to be uninterested in clothes. Just disinterested. Yes, Virginia, there IS a difference.

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