June 4, 2012

June 4, 2012

On Fire

While some people would view two hours at a LaGuardia airport gate as time to sleep, eat, or discreetly stare at their fellow travelers, I took it upon myself to shut off my judgmental nature (twas vacation, after all) and soak in some good old CNN. The President’s laying a Memorial Day wreath! The defense budget is under attack! And the things they’re doing these days with laptop cases! Those two hours went by quicker than I could determine whether the group of eight Indian people was ever going to actually get on a plane or if they just lived in the airport.

Imagine my delight when the CNN ticker scrolled something like “DC-area man sets self on fire with homemade grill.” It had the local angle, immolation, and food preparation. I was intrigued.

Turns out that some dude in Maryland converted a barrel into a barbecue pit, but neglected to take into account the flammability of certain gases. Poof. Easy mistake, and one I have almost made many many times when trying to cook things on the stove. This is why I microwave, and why I believe that Trader Joe’s microwaveable meals have saved innumerable lives.

I think we must also consider this cautionary tale from a second angle: the outdoors is a dangerous place. Not that I need convincing, as I tend to stay inside as much as possible. I mean, if you look at game-changing events throughout history, very few of them took place outside. Yet almost all movie disasters involve the outside. Draw your own conclusions.

Perhaps you are lucky enough to be a student, teacher, or unemployed person commencing a summer vacation. Were you planning on having fun in the sun? Bad idea. Stick to books, movies, and TV dinners from Trader Joe’s. You are 99% less likely to get killed by a meteor, dinosaur, or alien with this approach.

0 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke: