August 28, 2012

August 28, 2012

Sport, Not a Sport

So they want to put Quidditch in the Olympics. And by “they,” I mean “people who play a real-life semblance of Quidditch.” And by “they,” I also mean “people who need to wake up and smell the pepper-up potion.”

Look, I understand your argument that weirder things are in the Olympics. Trampolines and rhythmic gymnastics and whatnot. That doesn’t mean that any activity involving a modicum of exertion is Olympics-worthy. I’d love to shoot for gold in the 100-meter Metro escalator climb, but it ain’t gonna happen. To be in the Olympics, a sport has to [insert requirements I didn’t have time to research here]. So you see how faux quidditch doesn’t qualify.

Plus, y’know, the fact that YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY PLAYING QUIDDITCH. Quidditch involves brooms and balls that fly by magic. I’m not saying that there aren’t wizarding communities across the world playing actual magical quidditch. I’m just saying that you aren’t them. You are people dragging brooms around while throwing volleyballs to each other. C’mon. I don’t drop a feather off my balcony and call it wingardium leviosa.

If we expand the definition of sports to include anything involving moderate physical exertion, I think we have to include driving in city traffic, house cleaning, evading police, and the like. I’m totally okay with that, since it would mean I could call myself an athlete in multiple disciplines. You can keep your dressage; I have escalator walking!

Speaking of escalator walking, I’ve been getting stuck behind a lot of people lately who get slower and slower as they ascend. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but you gotta know your limits, people. If you’re not prepared to ascend 90 stairs at a constant clip, don’t start. Or move to the right once you’ve started to wane. Otherwise, I am prepared to pass you on the right.

2 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke:

This is now my favorite post you've written :-)

And which country would most likely win gold in police evading? i was gonna say the russians, but they'd probably just buy off the judges. which, i guess, is what they already do... (in the justice system, i mean.)