November 16, 2012

November 16, 2012

Not Lovin' It

Almost drowned out by the distressing news that Hostess is going bankrupt (SAVE OUR TWINKIES) are reports that McDonald’s ain’t doing so good lately. Its president is stepping down, sales are lower, and Ronald McDonald is probably going to be exposed in a sex scandal any day now.

It’s just the way the world has been lately, no?

Obviously, this trouble started when I chose to write my MBA capstone paper on Burger King. Little did I know that my strategic plan was the butterfly-flapping-its-wings that would someday lead to the hurricane of McDonald’s downfall. (Question on hurricane metaphors: Too soon?)

Luckily, the marketing and fast food powers that be have rushed in with suggestions. As an erstwhile fast food patron and continuing foodie, I heartily applaud some of them…and question others.

I agree that McDonald’s needs to consider baked potatoes. Wendy’s has had this market cornered for years, and it’s time to spread the love of spuds. You know the only thing better than warm salty carbs? Warm salty carbs covered in dairy. TRUST ME, I KNOW.

I agree that McDonald’s should serve breakfast all day. I spent approximately five years of my life eating a McDonald’s sausage biscuit every day for breakfast. Morbid childhood obesity aside, those mofos were DELICIOUS. Just imagine if I could have had them at lunch and dinner, too. I’d be dead, probably, but it would have been a happy (if short-lived) life. Other breakfast greats: McMuffins, hash browns, the Big Breakfast.

I disagree that seasonal items should be brought out year-round. The whole point of the seasonal items is that they are available For A Limited Time Only. I’m a fiend for Shamrock Shakes, but only because their short-term availability lets me justify turning my tongue FDA-approved Green #47. It’s the same reasoning I use to eat Cosi’s turkey and stuffing sandwich weekly during the holiday season and then not set foot in a Cosi for the next ten months. Familiarity breeds contempt, and that’s not something I want to breed with my Shamrock Shake. (Question on gay marriage metaphors: Too soon?)

I disagree that McDonald’s should consider home delivery. Um, what? Has our hunter-gathering instinct died so much that we are unwilling to procure our own trans fats and carbohydrates? For shame, America!

What would tempt you towards the Golden Arches? Or do you think they’re fine as-is?

0 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke: