June 27, 2013

June 27, 2013

“Earth had 3rd warmest May on record”

That USA TODAY headline made me chuckle. Not because it’s yet another proof that our civilization is slowly killing itself. I mean, we had a good run. Rather, I laughed because it addressed not the United States, but the entire planet as a whole, and quite possibly the entirety of history. As if May 2013 was the third-hottest May since, like, the Big Bang.

[Scientists: Was the Big Bang hot? Because it seems like it would be really hot and loud, but with space being a vacuum and all, was it like one of those scenes from Firefly where spaceships are shooting each other in eerie silence? Inquiring minds want to know.]

I’m hoping we’ve started down the road to EARTH TODAY, because that’s the sort of periodical they always show in movies about The Future. Nations are subsumed by a sort of global society (which, if we’re being realistic, speaks Chinese). Once we’re done warring with each other, we can turn our joint monetary and intellectual resources to improve humanity by:

- Traveling into space.
- Traveling back and forward in time.
- Inventing a self-heating pizza.

[That last one may just be a priority for me. Unclear.]

Not that I’m advocating a New World Order just so I can have hot deep dish on demand, but…it seems as good a reason as any.

They have pizza in China, right?

0 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke: