June 10, 2013

June 10, 2013

Nuts

On a recent episode of The Nosh Show, one of the hosts introduced the idea of a Hot Pocket restaurant. Honestly—and this is no surprise—I think it’s brilliant. You could choose fillings and toppings, and perhaps even crust. Then your creation would be assembled and cooked to order. In a world with places dedicated to cereal and macaroni & cheese, this seems like a logical extension.

(In related news, I fear my generation is going to run society into the ground. Because instead of curing cancer and splitting the atom, we are dreaming up restaurant concepts based on comfort food.)

Blame Chipotle, which got us hooked on the whole idea of customization when it comes to food. When I was your age, we ordered from the menu and WE LIKED IT. Even now, when a dining companion asks to have something “without the cheese” or “with extra tomatoes” I want to smack the self-righteousness right out of them. I don’t like tomatoes and onions on my Whopper. You know what I do? I order a Whopper and then I pick out the tomatoes and onions. It’s not rocket science. The only possible excuse is some sort of deathly allergy to tomato residue, in which case you probably shouldn’t be eating out in the first place. Or, you know, participating in society in general.

Speaking of, what is the deal with peanut allergies. I don’t mean to hate on humanity*, but apparently some kids just self-combust when exposed to nut fumes? Has this always been a thing? Were they worshipped as gods in olden times? Can we someone contain all these people in one place and maybe have them do our bidding? It would be easy. They get discontent, all we’d have to do is hold up a cashew and be all, “How you like me NOW?!”

Not that I’m suggesting this as an actual suggestion or anything.

*whistles*

Wait Wait recently mentioned that a brand of nuts were recalled because the package didn’t explicitly state that it contained nuts. Which would seem to be obvious, but okay. It also seems like just about everything either contains or has touched nuts (not a euphemism). So how do people with really severe nut allergies cope? Do you go straight to a Bubble Boy situation?

I guess people who eat specific diets (kosher, halal, etc.) have similar concerns. Hard for me to fathom, since I’ll eat just about anything. (I take your five-second rule and raise you a solid 25 seconds.) It’s immunity boosting and hardly ever ends badly. I think my mom only had to call poison control twice during my childhood. In my defense, condiments and cosmetics look very similar when you can’t read.

Now I have the Hot Pockets jingle stuck in my head. Fabulous

* Haha, I totally do.

1 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke:

As someone who has a really severe allergy to raw tomatoes, but can eat super-processed tomatoes (pizza sauce, ketchup, etc), I've gotten a couple nasty comments when I have to send back a burger, pizza, etc when I ordered no tomatoes. They seem to think I'm being an ass when I insist it's an allergy and not a pickiness issue, and more than one tries to explain 'well, the pizza sauce has tomatoes in it.' Geez, really? Thanks for the info. I still need a whole new meal.

Sometimes I wonder if risking a Benadryl-inspired hallucination would be better than risking a spit-covered second pizza from a kitchen who doesn't believe me.

(On the other hand, when a place doesn't blink but goes out of their way to make sure my food doesn't contact raw tomatos (brings out a new tub of corn salsa at Chipotle, or wipes down the line before my pizza at Roman Candle), I always tip extra well and/or leave a really happy note with the manager.)