August 13, 2013

August 13, 2013


Horrifying torture device or beauty aid?
One of the treat(ment)s I was subjected to during my Game! Show! Experience! was an eyelash curler. I’m sure it was all the female contestants, and not just me. Possibly the men as well; not sure what they got up to in hair and makeup.

But back to me.

The eyelash curler would seem to be a tool with marginal utility at best. Granted, my knowledge of eyelashes is limited to just the one pair (mine), but they seem like a go-with-what-you-got situation. Like finger length. Do I wish I had alien hands that would allow me to retrieve those things that fall behind the fridge? Sure. Am I going to have alien hands grafted onto my own so I can do so? If only it weren’t so cost-prohibitive. No. So poking myself in the eye with a metal prod in an attempt to curl a centimeter of coarse hair seems like MADNESS, MADNESS, I SAY.

(Not that that didn’t discourage the makeup from trying. I believe more time was spent on my appearance that day than in my entire lifetime up to that date.)

Here’s my sniff test with beauty methods: Ask TheBoy. Or any man. If you get a look of confusion, abort. If you saw last week’s GroupSocial LivingOn dealio for a heated eyelash curler and were considering it, I repeat: Abort. For the words “heated,” “eyelash,” and “curler” should never be used in combination. Have we not done enough damage with curling and flat irons which are designed to be used only in proximity to the face and yet have burned innumerable cheeks and foreheads? C’mon, people. Our future Chinese robot overlords* aren’t fooling around with this stuff. They’re too busy teaching their preschoolers physics.

Mascara if you must, but save the firebrands for the livestock.

* I debated: “Chinese robot” or “Chinese and robot”? I then realized it probably will be the same thing in the end. Start those Mandarin lessons now, kids!

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