September 23, 2013

September 23, 2013


You probably heard about Talk Like a Pirate Day, perhaps because you spent your day argh-ing around or because you were constantly asked why the rum was gone. Thanks to movies and books and things, we know what pirates sounded like. Or at least what the stereotypical pirate sounded like, which is really just as good.

The Smithsonian’s Food & Think blog, though, chose to focus on eating like a pirate. First of all, BRILLIANT. Second of all, ew. Excuse me, let me politely use the words of Food & Think: “From a food standpoint, a pirate’s life was problematic.” As you can imagine, getting a balanced diet while living on a ship was tough. Even more so during the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries.

Honestly, when romanticizing history, you really have to consider the gastronomy. I’m always harping on about how I should have been born in the Victorian Era, but really? I’d be miserable. No Diet Coke, no microwaves, and way more sweetmeat consumption than I’m ready for. Thank goodness Sue and Giles set me straight. No more dreams of the Roman Empire or the Restoration. I’m just not ready for that jelly. Because it probably came from an eyeball.

And I bet everyone on the ship smelled, too. What are the odds that a group of pirates would a) have soap and b) use it? C’mon. It’s possible that body odor may be even more of a dream-killer for me than the food thing, since I hate people even when they smell good. Even once they figure out time travel, think before going back to the Tudor era or Colonial times. The people there are going to talk and smell funny. And they’re going to put f’s in the middle of words instead of s’s.

Though I feel like I’ve heard science-y people say that should a time machine ever be constructed, it may only be able to send people into the future. I’m okay with that, and not just because the past is messy and soda-less. The future is either going to be crazy cool (sleek, clean, full of Asians) or crazy crazy (urban blight, uncontrolled income disparity, full of Asian zombies). Much better than dying of seasickness and scurvy.

0 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke: