March 20, 2014

March 20, 2014

Gallimaufry

A collection of things that I can’t seem to write more than 100 words about…

I present to you the Arizona Diamondbacks’ 18-inch corn dog:


Meant to be shared (note: ha), it’s apparently stuffed with bacon and cheese. It comes with fries, too. Because it wouldn’t be a full meal without the fries, obviously. But don’t mind me; I’m just pissed it’s not an 18-inch cheese stick. Come on, Brewers!

Speaking of baseball (it’s spring now; we can do that), I’m reading The Art of Fielding and it’s turning out to be weirdly reminiscent of my own college experience. Small school in Wisconsin, not much collegiate glory to speak of, etc. Though I’m years late to the party, this one gets a recommend. (I haven’t finished it yet, though, so if it turns out to have a gruesome end I reserve the right to revoke the endorsement.)

Spring also means it’s cherry blossom season here in DC and HERE COME THE TOURISTS. On the plus side, we can see the kite festival and the fireworks from our condo. On the other hand, we can’t see the trees themselves and those are sort of the whole point. I’m trying to calculate a window of time when the tidal basin will be devoid of both tourists AND rapists, and I bet it’ll be something like 5 AM. Argh.

Oh, and March Madness. I submitted three brackets, two of which I created using the CBS Sports auto-picker. Not to rain on your bracketology parade or anything, but c’mon. I overheard someone this week boasting he could name all the 1-9 seeds and was thisclose to responding with “And some of us have a real job.” Because I do all the awards show stuff and people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw EGOTs.

Was SJP’s 73 Questions interview rehearsed? Probably a little. Still good? Oh yeah.

My undergrad alma mater changed its mascot from the Crusaders to the Sabercats and I just can’t. Even if you go with the cultural acceptability logic and throw out the PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE AND ONE MIGHT EVEN SAY IMPOSING Crusader, to go with the sabercat/sabrecat/saber cat/saber-toothed tiger is curious. If you’re going to pick a creature you believe perished in the Great Flood to represent your institution, go with the T. rex. Obviously.

Seriously, though, we gotta find that plane because it is starting to REEK of bad juju. When they announced files had been deleted from the pilot’s home simulator, I started thinking about all the stuff I’ve done/said/possessed that would look pretty suspicious if I suddenly disappeared. Note to self: Don’t suddenly disappear because that underbed box full of small Hello Kitty dolls is kinda creepy.

Facebook friends: The couple who accosted me post-workout in the condo elevator is moving! KARMA. Thank you, universe.

Speaking of neighbors, one of mine occasionally leaves his Army-style boots out in the hallway for a day or two and I’m not sure if he’s expecting treats in them or what. Should I put, like, an orange in there? Does a monkey come by and shine shoes left in the halls? IS THAT A THING OUR BUILDING OFFERS?! IS THAT A THING *ANY* BUILDING OFFERS?!

0 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke: