January 5, 2015

January 5, 2015

Incredible, Inedible

Since I’ll eat just about anything that sits still long enough, it really steams my clam* when non-food is put in confusing proximity with food. You know what I’m talking about. Inedible garnishes, for one. I see you, parsley, beds of lettuce, and wildflowers. I SEE YOU. And as pro-Asian as I am in all things, they are among the worst offenders in this arena:


I would attempt to eat all of this, including the cup with the lemon wedge in it and whatever that tall black stuff is.

To be fair, it is by following a strict “eat first, ask questions later or not at all” policy that I got to have whale in South Korea. It was one of the best meats I’ve eaten. (So far.)

Also, let’s talk about this entire industry of things that look like food.

These cupcakes?


SOAP.

This pie?


CANDLE.

And now, I learn via BuzzFeed, the concept of 3-D printed pieces you stick on vegetables to turn them into toys:


Have we regressed to the 1960s, when Mr. Potato Head was an actual freaking potato? (Unless the toy parts are now made of some kind of high-density starch, in which case I’m in.) This addition of sharp inedibles to food is Club Sandwich Toothpickgate all over again. Use your noodle, people. (Literally, why not use a noodle, if you have one? NOT SHARP. NOT INEDIBLE. DELICIOUS.)

(Related: I have no problem with cakes that look like other foods, because you can still eat cake. This is a fine distinction, but an important one.)

I blame the obesity epidemic, which—alas—has also been responsible for such wonderful innovations as cheese-stuffed pizza crusts, the cronut, and the foodstuff that’s quite possibly the pinnacle of human achievement:


I’d love to see the Christopher Nolan screenplay version of Taco Town, is all I’m saying. Interstellar, schminterstellar.

* The first of as many food idioms as I can cram in here. You’ve been warned.

0 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke: