January 8, 2015

January 8, 2015

Manfred von Richthofen Would Not Stand for This

One of the many modern innovations that tickles my giblets is the single-serve microwaveable french bread pizza. Red Baron is my brand of choice, though Wegmans will do in a pinch. By the miracle of modern technology, I can have a crisp pizza in three minutes.

Or, I should say, I COULD.

Once upon a time, you see, Red Baron packaged each pizza in an individual crisping tray that looked like this:

It was microwave safe. Kept the melty cheese contained. Crisped the pizza up straightaway. It was, in short, perfectly suited to purpose.

Some time later, Red Baron turned the crisping tray into a crisping disc. Since not even Google can provide an image of this blasphemy, you’ll have to imagine the tray from above but with no sides. Less than ideal, since you have the potential for a cheeseslide, but workable overall.

But then. BUT THEN.

The last box I opened contained no crisping tray. Not even a crisping disc. Instead, the instructions told me to start the pizza in the microwave and then finish it in the oven.

Red Baron (can I call you Red?): If you think the oven gets involved when I make dinner, you’ve got another think coming. Using to different appliances to heat a single food item is basically making it from scratch. I might as well get out my cornmeal and flour. (Y'know, if I had those things in my pantry instead of Trader Joe's cookie butter, Campbell's chicken soup, and Sapporo Ichiban original flavor ramen.)

So we started with a product having three advantages (tasty, crispy, quick) and systematically stripped them away until we’re left with a limp memory of what could have been. (Insert your own limp joke here.)

I’ve begun a study of the feasibility of repurposing Hot Pockets crisping sleeves. This could be my Edison moment, people. He had tungsten, I have susceptors.*

(Anyone who knows how I could get my hand on an industrial quantity of Hot Pocket sleeves, or whether Googling “industrial quantity of Hot Pockets” would cause confusion at the NSA, please let me know.)

* Susceptors being the name for the things that convert microwave energy into heat. Or something. Tip: Do not click from the Wikipedia article on susceptorswhich is comprehendableto the Wikipedia article on susceptance because it goes all mathy and your engineer husband will get out a white board to explain it and you'll be like "But there are more letters than numbers!" and he'll be like "No, this is basic stuff" and you'll be like "But I never even got to trigonometry" and he'll start drawing diagrams and you'll be like "WELL I'M IN MENSA AND I'M GOING TO BED." I mean, hypothetically.

0 Fish in a Sea of Diet Coke: