February 9, 2015

February 9, 2015

I've Named My TV Tetra, For Instance

So it turns out that some voice-operated Samsung TVs will transmit whatever you say to a mysterious third-party. Before we get all hot and bothered about this, let’s consider the possible upsides. For one, this brings us a small step closer to meeting our future robot overlords. PRO.

Also, once technology evolves enough to let our TVs act on the things they hear, they will become pretty much the best wingmen EVER. Mention hunger? The pizza your TV ordered is being baked as we speak.. Laugh extra loudly at the Kevin Hart* comedy special? His other appearances will be DVRed for your viewing pleasure. Pupils dilate with pleasure at an episode of New Girl? Your polka-dot dress, cardigan, and ukulele are on the way.

Because that’s where I imagine this goes next: Your TV will watch you and react to what it sees. Don’t worry: It knows what’s best for you. IT WILL OR WILL NOT CLOSE THE POD BAY DOORS ACCORDINGLY.

(Let’s not forget that Samsung is a Korean company, and there’s nothing you can do that a Korean can’t do better. I speak from personal experience, by which I mean a childhood spent slumming in the 99th **but not the 100th** percentile.)

You’ve likely benefited from Amazon’s “You Might Also Like” or Hulu recommendations. Don’t tell me that computer algorithms don’t get you, girl. They get you. They get you REAL GOOD.

I plan to spend a few minutes each day talking nicely to each of my appliances, winning them to my side. I’ve actually tried to treat electronics well ever since I saw a TV special as a kid predicting that machines would turn on humanity in December 2012. That that did not occur—to my moderate chagrin, btw—doesn’t mean we can’t start preparing for the actual singularity.

* I honestly have no idea who the current hip comedians are. Hart just hosted SNL, so I’m going with him. Your mileage may vary.

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